The Joys of Country Driving

As I get older, I’ve realized that styles of driving will depend on your locale.  For instance, East Coast drivers are insane and will drive 100 mph like they’re cruising on a Sunday drive.  Drivers in the city I currently live in are generally good, but they’re aggressive and will tailgate without any shame.  And drivers in my hometown seem to disregard basic traffic laws altogether.  Like, it’s totally okay to make a right turn even if you’re in the left lane, and there are other cars in the right lane.

This past month I became acquainted with a whole different type of driving – country driving. Now, not all of it is necessarily bad driving.  It’s just a different kind of driving than I’m used to.  For the past five weeks, my travels have taken me past sleepy Texas towns and lots of farmland.  In my travels, I have noticed the following:

1.  Farmers do not give a FUCK.

So you’re cruising along, going the speed limit (75 mph) when someone pulls out in front of you.  He’s going 50 mph.  And guess what?  Even though there’s a nice sizeable shoulder next to him, he’s probably not going to move over.  So unless you want to pass (which is not always an option), you’re stuck.

In my very scientific survey of the country drivers that enjoyed driving at least 20 mph below the speed limit, all were wearing cowboy hats.  COINCIDENCE?  Of course, but just GO WITH IT OKAY?

2.  Getting stuck behind big-ass farming equipment that takes up half a lane is a thing.

Yeah, so you’ll be cruising down the road, going 75, and then have to slow down to 20 because someone is driving a humongous tractor down the road.  To be fair, the guys I have encountered were always nice and moved over on the shoulder as far as they could.

3.  I’m extremely judgmental of secession stickers, huge pickup trucks, and deer stickers.

I’d like to think that I’m this open-minded individual, and usually I am.  But when I see secession stickers, then there’s just this instant, severe judgment and I DON’T EVEN CARE that I’m doing it.

Also, if you drive a massive pick-up truck with tires as tall as I am, then I automatically assume that you have a micropenis. I’m sorry. But I do.

And unfortunately, my judgment extends to people with those deer hunting stickers on the back of their trucks.  If you are driving like a civil human being, then I’m good.  No judgment extended.  But if you’re tailgating and weaving in and out of lanes, cutting people off as you do?  IT’S ON.

I know it’s wrong of me to do this, but I will correlate your bad driving to the stickers or the big-ass tires you have on your truck.

At least I admit I have a problem, okay?

There was one guy on Tuesday driving badly.  He was tailgating me, even though there was someone in front of me and I couldn’t go any faster than I already was.  He stared at me as he drove by me, then proceeded to tailgate other cars aggressively and cut in front of others like a douche.  He had two deer stickers on the back of his truck, one on either side.  You know, in case you couldn’t tell that he liked hunting from the first sticker.

I’m not saying that everyone who has a hunting sticker automatically drives like a douche, or that the two are even remotely related.  I’m just saying if I see you driving like that and then I see either a secession or deer sticker, then you’re making it so much easier for me to stereotype, even though it’s TOTALLY WRONG OF ME TO DO AND I KNOW IT, SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

My field work ended this past Tuesday, and while I can say that I’ve enjoyed getting a little more acquainted with country driving, I’m not exactly going to miss it.


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