Purge

One of my online friends made a post about being tired of blogging.  I’m kind of there.

I mean, I technically WANT to blog.  But I just…don’t.

I miss Vox. I can’t say that enough.  But those days – the platform, and the necessity to purge that I had back then, are gone.  I wondered today about why I am not prolific with blogging anymore.  At my peak, I was blogging about every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Those were days when I was in college and the early days of living here in the city, when I didn’t HAVE anybody else.  Blogging was my outlet for all that I felt – frustration that I wasn’t like a lot of my peers, fear that I was missing out on life, fear of living my life in general, and loneliness. So much loneliness.

There’s been a shift in the past several years, and I have different outlets now.  I have a boyfriend now so much of the angst that fueled a good chunk of my twenties (your standard “I’m all alone and no one will ever love me” sort) is gone.  I don’t have many friends but I have several core, solid friends who are there for me.  My brother, good friend, and I have been emailing each other frequently for over the past year now where we just unload our thoughts, fears, and general day-to-day musings.  I can’t say how much I love getting those emails, especially from my brother, since his humor is so irreverent and brilliant. 

I like this blog so I am not going to stop blogging in it.  I feel like it’s my little corner.  My other blog gets a little more traffic and now that I’ve paid money for a domain name again, I’m mulling what I should do with it.  It’s dumb, but I feared that the woman who bought my old domain name is going to “take away my readers.” (What readers?) I still get more traffic on that old blog though, even though I haven’t updated it substantially since the summer. Should I do something with it?  I don’t know.  Maybe I can put things that are less personal on there.

Maybe I would have better luck with a blog if I chose a theme and stuck to it – like making a craft blog. But I don’t know if I want to do that. I like being able to just purge whatever I want into this space.  I find I have more success when I don’t limit myself.

Eh.

Anyway.  What is going on with me?  Well, since you asked – I bought more books, and I totally don’t need to buy more books because I already have enough.  It’s Thursday, which is one of my favorite nights because I can really wind down.  I’m having leftovers for dinner, the apartment is clean – all I have to do is just take care of my puppy and we can relax the rest of the night.  I have started Game of Thrones.  I’m done with the first book so I feel more comfortable with watching the show (please no spoilers!) I really like the show so far. I also bought the second book because it’s not like I don’t have enough to do.

In between some learning opportunities at work and just where my personal preferences are starting to lie, I feel like this year is going to be a year of intellectual growth.  It’s scary and exciting at the same time. I don’t want to squander it.  I’m acutely aware of said potential of growth – I’m acutely aware of many things now. I blame it on turning 30 in July. Even though I say that turning 30 doesn’t freak me out, I can’t help think, “Am I living my life the way I should be?” so many times.

I’m okay with where I’m at right now, with a couple of minor requests. I’d like to travel more. I’d like to be more confident with my work because surely I’m not stupid, and I need to stop thinking so.  I’d like to be more relaxed and chill and just “cool” overall, but I’m too dorky to be cool so I gave that up a long time ago.  I’m not where I thought I’d be at 30. I thought I’d be married with kids right now.  But this is not a complaint.  I don’t really see myself having children right now because I am not ready. There’s still a lot of things I want to accomplish for myself, and I don’t care how selfish that sounds.  And I’m glad I’m not married, either.  If I had been married this decade, it would have been to the wrong person.

There’s still stuff I want to do before I become someone’s wife or mother. Those things include – getting published. Or shit, just finishing something that I started writing.  Write a decent poem. Learn “Tom Sawyer.” Go to Italy.  Finish the Rosetta Stone course that Boyfriend got me for our 6 month anniversary nearly two years ago now.  Remember how to do differential equations.  Get a tattoo.  Meet Dave Grohl (of all the things I have on the list, this is the least realistic. But I can dream, right?) 

I don’t know how this post went from discussing my lack of blogging to my hopes and dreams, but there you go.

I should feed Apollo his puppy dinner so I will bid you all goodnight.

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Today I learned a very frustrating lesson about the internet.

I had a domain name for my old blog that I considered semi-unique. I let the domain name expire on December 31. I wasn’t updating the site anymore and it just seemed appropriate.

One of my online friends sent me a message this morning saying that my site was being taken to someone else’s.

Huh?

Sure enough, someone had bought my old domain name and it’s now being redirected to her dumb blog.

She can’t even spell.  I don’t want people thinking that her posts are mine.

It shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.  It you google that name, most of my stuff – Soundcloud, Twitter, Goodreads – pops up.  I clearly had that name first.  But since I didn’t renew the registration, it’s now someone else’s. And that’s my fault.

Am I frustrated that this person couldn’t be creative enough to come up with her own name and had to take mine to redirect to hers?  Yes. But at the same time, it’s her right to do so.

I registered my old blog with the same name, just with a “the” in front of it. I feel incredibly childish saying this, but I was first.

It’s a good lesson about the internet. Nothing is ever yours.

Current Song Obsessions

1.  St. Vincent, “Digital Witness”

I am not even ashamed how many times I’ve listened to this song in the past week.  St. Vincent is like a female David Bowie, which is the highest compliment I can pay her.

2.  Jerome LOL ft. Angelina Lucero, “Fool”

I haven’t been able to get this beat out of my head. I hadn’t heard of Angelina Lucero before listening to this song for the first time, but I will definitely be checking more of her stuff out. Her voice is perfection.

3.  Daft Punk ft. Julian Casablancas, “Instant Crush”

This album will always remind me of late spring/early summer 2013.  Boyfriend and I listened to it so often that we couldn’t stand sitting through “Get Lucky” through the endless radio plays anymore.  This gem has always been one of my favorites off the album. I heard it on the radio the other day and it just reminded me what a lovely song it is.

A Day Off – Fantasy vs. Reality

Here’s how I imagine a perfect day off goes –

Sleep late.  Spend my morning being creatively productive. I open up my mixed media journal, mix some paints, and go at it.  I submit poetry to that contest I’ve been wanting to enter.  I learn the entire last two pages of the song I’ve been learning.  I finish my craft project.  I write in my journal. I read for hours.  The apartment gets completely cleaned. I make meaningful posts in my blog. I cook dinner early.

Here’s how my day off actually went.

Wake up at 6:45, which is total crap. Say bye to Boyfriend, who doesn’t have a day off because SCIENCE. Internet.  Go to Barnes and Noble, Half Price, HEB.  Craft for ten minutes.  Mean Girls is on TV? Time to watch it for the 56th time.  Fall asleep. Look up recipes and get sucked into an internet vortex about how everyone apparently hates the Pioneer Woman.  Tidy the apartment. Practice drums for ten minutes.  Facebook. Facebook. Facebook.  It’s 8:40 and I still haven’t made dinner yet? Damn it.

 

February Resolutions

First, let’s revisit January’s.

-Learn two pages of “Since I’ve Been Loving You.”  It took me a little longer, but I’m now past the two page mark; semi-success.
-Use my new cast iron tea kettle at least once.  Sadly, not yet.
-Get to chapter 10 of my biology coloring book.  I got to Chapter 6.
-Finish a book.  So close! I’m on page 272 of 338 for Scientific Blunders by Robert Youngson.
-Start cross-stitch bird project.  Yes, and it’s so goddamn frustrating already.
-Finish crochet project.  Nope.
-Complete 5 writing exercises.  Nope.
-Complete 10 music reviews.  Nope.

Here is my February list, revised to be a little more realistic.

-Get to page 4 of “Since I’ve Been Loving You.”
-Use my new cast iron tea kettle at least once.
-Get to chapter 10 of my biology coloring book.  
-Finish a book.
-Finish crochet project.
-Complete 5 writing exercises.  
-Complete 1 music reviews.
-Start independent study of Texas regulatory laws for work.
-Complete one page of preliminary background info for Professional Engineer’s license.