One of my online friends made a post about being tired of blogging. I’m kind of there.
I mean, I technically WANT to blog. But I just…don’t.
I miss Vox. I can’t say that enough. But those days – the platform, and the necessity to purge that I had back then, are gone. I wondered today about why I am not prolific with blogging anymore. At my peak, I was blogging about every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Those were days when I was in college and the early days of living here in the city, when I didn’t HAVE anybody else. Blogging was my outlet for all that I felt – frustration that I wasn’t like a lot of my peers, fear that I was missing out on life, fear of living my life in general, and loneliness. So much loneliness.
There’s been a shift in the past several years, and I have different outlets now. I have a boyfriend now so much of the angst that fueled a good chunk of my twenties (your standard “I’m all alone and no one will ever love me” sort) is gone. I don’t have many friends but I have several core, solid friends who are there for me. My brother, good friend, and I have been emailing each other frequently for over the past year now where we just unload our thoughts, fears, and general day-to-day musings. I can’t say how much I love getting those emails, especially from my brother, since his humor is so irreverent and brilliant.
I like this blog so I am not going to stop blogging in it. I feel like it’s my little corner. My other blog gets a little more traffic and now that I’ve paid money for a domain name again, I’m mulling what I should do with it. It’s dumb, but I feared that the woman who bought my old domain name is going to “take away my readers.” (What readers?) I still get more traffic on that old blog though, even though I haven’t updated it substantially since the summer. Should I do something with it? I don’t know. Maybe I can put things that are less personal on there.
Maybe I would have better luck with a blog if I chose a theme and stuck to it – like making a craft blog. But I don’t know if I want to do that. I like being able to just purge whatever I want into this space. I find I have more success when I don’t limit myself.
Anyway. What is going on with me? Well, since you asked – I bought more books, and I totally don’t need to buy more books because I already have enough. It’s Thursday, which is one of my favorite nights because I can really wind down. I’m having leftovers for dinner, the apartment is clean – all I have to do is just take care of my puppy and we can relax the rest of the night. I have started Game of Thrones. I’m done with the first book so I feel more comfortable with watching the show (please no spoilers!) I really like the show so far. I also bought the second book because it’s not like I don’t have enough to do.
In between some learning opportunities at work and just where my personal preferences are starting to lie, I feel like this year is going to be a year of intellectual growth. It’s scary and exciting at the same time. I don’t want to squander it. I’m acutely aware of said potential of growth – I’m acutely aware of many things now. I blame it on turning 30 in July. Even though I say that turning 30 doesn’t freak me out, I can’t help think, “Am I living my life the way I should be?” so many times.
I’m okay with where I’m at right now, with a couple of minor requests. I’d like to travel more. I’d like to be more confident with my work because surely I’m not stupid, and I need to stop thinking so. I’d like to be more relaxed and chill and just “cool” overall, but I’m too dorky to be cool so I gave that up a long time ago. I’m not where I thought I’d be at 30. I thought I’d be married with kids right now. But this is not a complaint. I don’t really see myself having children right now because I am not ready. There’s still a lot of things I want to accomplish for myself, and I don’t care how selfish that sounds. And I’m glad I’m not married, either. If I had been married this decade, it would have been to the wrong person.
There’s still stuff I want to do before I become someone’s wife or mother. Those things include – getting published. Or shit, just finishing something that I started writing. Write a decent poem. Learn “Tom Sawyer.” Go to Italy. Finish the Rosetta Stone course that Boyfriend got me for our 6 month anniversary nearly two years ago now. Remember how to do differential equations. Get a tattoo. Meet Dave Grohl (of all the things I have on the list, this is the least realistic. But I can dream, right?)
I don’t know how this post went from discussing my lack of blogging to my hopes and dreams, but there you go.
I should feed Apollo his puppy dinner so I will bid you all goodnight.